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Cleaning Definitions For Men

If your man pleads ignorance about housecleaning, print this out and let him use it as a guide:

• Broom (brum) - a long handled brush used for sweeping (also doubles as a mode of transportation for his mother)
• Vacuum (vak' u em) - much like the leaf blower except it sucks in, instead of blowing out. Don't let this alarm you. It isn't broken and doesn't need more torque, speed, RAM or whatever it is you did to the dishwasher.
• Dust pan (DUH) - Contrary to popular belief, this is where you sweep the dirt, not under the hallway area rug.
• Dust Cloth (dust kloth) - A cloth designated for removing tiny particles of dirt from every flat surface of the house. Hint: look for your old "lucky shirt".
• Bucket (buk' it)- Cylindric container used for holding soapy water when mopping the floor. Also known as your mid-evil knight helmet when you're playing with our seven-year-old
• Mop - (mop) a bundle of coarse yarn, rags or cloth fastened at the end of a stick. You'll remember this as your dance partner at the New Year's Eve party last year.
• Toilet Brush (toi' lit brush) - Used for scrubbing the inside of the toilet bowl. I don't care what this looks like, you may NOT use my shower loofa again!
• Oven Cleaner (uv' en Klen' er) - No, not the teenager. This is an actually product that you buy, spray in the oven and wipe out two hours later. You won't need your welder's mask for this task, but if it makes you feel more dangerous, go ahead.
• Sponge (spunj) - used to gently wash away food particles from dinnerware. It won't be necessary to use your 300psi Power Washer Set. That was given to you in hopes of cleaning the EXTERIOR of the house (hint hint).
• Squeegee (skwe' je) - Same principle as washing the car windshield, and yes, real men DO squeegee!

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Mrs. Clause's Tips for Dealing With Messy Reindeer

This is a year-round favorite at the North Pole, but especially satisfying when the temperatures dip their lowest, usually Dec 26 thru spring.

It is best when served with fresh baked sourdough bread and a mug of hearty ale.

Don't forget to follow it up with cookies and milk.

Mrs. Claus' Tasty Reindeer Stew

• 2 tablespoons vegetable oil
• 2 pounds naughty reindeer stew meat (Or Beef)
• 3 large onions, coarsely chopped
• 2 garlic cloves, finely minced
• 3 cups low-salt beef broth
• 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
• 1 tablespoon soy sauce
• 1 dried bay leaf
• 1 teaspoon dried oregano
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon pepper
• 6 medium potatoes, peeled and quartered
• 3/4 pound carrots, peeled and cut into 1-inch pieces
• 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/4 cup cold water

Heat oil in a Dutch oven over medium heat. Add reindeer meat (Or Beef) and cook until all sides are nicely browned.

Add onions and garlic and cooked, stirring often, until onions are softened, about 3 to 4 minutes.

Stir in beef broth, Worcestershire sauce, soy sauce, bay leaf, oregano, salt and pepper.

Bring to a boil, reduce heat and simmer, covered, for 1 1/2 to 2 hours or until meat is tender.

Add potatoes and carrots and continue to cook, covered, until vegetables are tender, about 20 to 30 minutes.

In a small bowl or cup, combine flour and water until smooth; stir into stew.

Cook and stir until thickened and bubbly.

Remove bay leaf and serve.

Makes 8 servings.

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Cleaning Tips for the Chronologically Challenged

SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days, much less 30 minutes, employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that you accidentally locked the door and can't find the key. Of course, the locksmith can't possibly come until tomorrow. CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds

SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes

SECRET TIP 3: OVENS If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming.
Time: 2 minutes

SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.
Time: 2.5 minutes

SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.
Time: 3 minutes

SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)
Time: 4 minutes

SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around.
Time: 3 minutes

SECRET TIP 8: DISHES Don't use them. Use plastic or paper plates and you won't have to.
Time: 1 minute

SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING (EEWWW) This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two ...if you turn them wrong side out and, yes, re-use them. CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don't care if they get in a car wreck.
Time: 3 seconds

SECRET TIP 10: IRONING If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so I'm told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy.
Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)

SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway.
Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only

SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
Time: 10 seconds

SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.
Time: 0

SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.
Time: 1 minute

SECRET TIP 15: If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.